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KNOW WHAT KIND OF FLOWERS YOU'D GIVE TO KING TUT?
I asked my Master Gardener friends for some gardening jokes...I thought a column on horticultural humor might be a fitting way to begin the new year.
One joke was suggested by three different people: What did the fern say to the pasque flower? "With fronds like these, who needs anemones!"
Heide told me about the mushroom who went to a party and then sat in the corner crying. When asked about the tears, the mushroom replied "I don't understand why no one likes me...I'm such a fun-gi." Here's a variation: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life of the party? A fun-gi.
A couple friends sent me potato jokes. Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled. Why did the farmer plant foil-wrapped potatoes? He didn't want to get soil in their eyes. What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato. Did you hear about the little sweet potato that fell madly in love with Peter Jennings? Her folks wouldn't let her marry him 'cause he was just a common tater.
I received lots of vegetable jokes. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi. What did the carrot say to the wheat? Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet. What can you make from baked beans and onions? Tear gas. What vegetable might you find in your basement? Cellar-y. What is green and goes to a summer camp? A Brussels' scout. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Continuing on a vegetable theme, here's a little essay: Heart beet, do you carrot at all for me? My heart beets for you, with your turnip nose and your radish face. You are a peach. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry. Weed make a swell pear.
Speaking of weeds, it's been said that a weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
A couple of jokes fit the battle of the sexes category: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells, and don't work half the time. Men are also like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something she'd want to have dinner with.
Women are also like fine wine: They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache. Sorry about that, ladies...here's a question: If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Weather and the seasons are topics for horticultural humor. God made rainy days so gardeners could get the housework done. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. What lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward? An icicle. The one good thing about snow is that it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. Here's a drought joke: It's been so dry this week the trees are whistling for the dogs. And finally, a bulb is defined as a potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again.
Here's several gardening maxims: Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon. A knee is a handy device for finding rocks in your garden. When all the chores are done, the avid gardener will invent new ones.
I asked my 4-year-old granddaughter this question: "What would we call the color orange if it wasn't a fruit?" I thought her response was pretty clever. She said "sunset."
Here's a riddle: There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it describing? A watermelon.
The funniest joke (at least of those my editor was willing to publish) had to do with a new business that was opening. A friend of the new owner called the florist and placed an order for flowers to be delivered. When the flowers arrived at the new business, the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace." Annoyed, the owner called the flower shop to complain. "Mister," the florist replied, "I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended. But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying "Congratulations on your new location."
And finally, here's a flower joke for your kids or grandkids: What kind of flowers would you give to King Tut? Chrysanthemummies.
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PUTTING DOWN ROOTS:
A Delightful Blend of
Gardening Wisdom, Wit
and Whimsy
$10 + $2 for shipping
by Cliff Johnson |
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